Mr Edwards gives his 10 pence worth of opinion to the world and tries to gain what Andy Warhol promised us all.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

I'm ill! F*cking hell, the temperature drops by a couple of degrees and straight away I get a bastard of a cold. I'm off to bed now, try and go to sleep. When i'm ill I always have the f*cking weirdest dreams.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

God i'm getting worse at this diary keeping thing. It's not my fault, my sister spends at least 5 hours a night on the computer doing "homework". However I found this story yesterday so I think that i'll hopefully get more time on the thing.
I haven't done that much in the past week really. The main thing was the visit to Brighton by my good friend Mr Paul Riley. He insisted on visiting a gay bar whilst in Brighton so I had to oblige. He loved it! I must point out that this is nothing to be ashamed of. It proves he's very open minded. Then again Stoke on Trent did appear to have a bit of an underground gay scene itself. No really, it did. Myself and the blokes from my house went on a pub crawl around Hanley and ended up in a place called "Tigers". Seemed a decent, if rather cramped, upstairs bar. It also had a stage. After about an hour the "show" started. I think it was a song and dance routine hosted by a drag queen. I can't be very sure as my housemates made one of the best "road runner" impressions i've ever seen.
Shall we talk about some football now? Albion beat Sheffield Wednesday on Saturday and very impressive it was too. Leon "Gary Coleman" Knight scored another great goal against the manager who had rejected him last season. Natural justice, nothing provides it like football. We lost to Middlesbrough in extra time last night in the League Cup. Not too distraught about that. The league is more important.
I promise that from now on i'll update this thing more often. It seems I have some readers (Paul, Kelvin) so I can't let my loyal fanbase down anymore.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

And i'm back. Sorry about that, somehow I gained a bit of a social life and started doing things other than television watching during the week.
Football on tuesday first then. A win is a win so thanks very much boys and Leon Knight in particular. I doubt he heard me shouting "I said you would score, they doubted me but you proved them wrong my son!" but it's the thought that counts I suppose. The game as a whole wasn't up to much really. I'd compare it to "Die another day". It was alright, it served a purpose and was a diverting waste of a couple of hours.
I wouldn't want to sit through it again though.
It's been a good week all round for Sussex because the cricket team won the championship for the first time in a 113 years today! Although never much of a cricket man it's still Sussex who are picking up a trophy so i'm happy to leap aboard the bandwagon.
Blaine news. After hearing reports that he was going to become a target for flash mobs this weekend I decided to do a little research. Look what I found. It makes you proud to be British it really does, Dunkirk spirit etc. I'm watching Brighton play Sheffield Wednesday on Saturday so I hope nothing happens. Do something on the 27th people, Brighton are up in Hartlepool then!
And to finish todays entry another Odyssey story.
Every Saturday night the Odyssey ran a comedy night (one of the best student comedy nights in the country according to the blurb). I was a regular visitor in my first year in Stoke and one night in (I think) late October one of the acts was a "physical" comedian. This basically meant he told crap jokes for about 15 minutes and then attached various things to the rings he'd had placed in his nipples. I was slightly the worse for wear and so when he began asking the audience for things he could juggle I boldly stepped up to the stage.
"Here", I said as I offered him my full pint of lager, "juggle this".
That'll call his bluff I thought. Not at all. The consumate performer reached his hand out to the glass and heartily agreed.
"Hand it over then" he said. The eyes of the room were on just the two of us. What a moment it promised to be. How could he juggle such a thing? What would be my reaction?
"F*ck off" I replied "It's mine". With that I turned promptly on my heels and went back to the bar. The comedians face was a picture apparantly.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Aaahh another weekend gone. My trip to Colchester on Saturday ended in utter misery of course. Colchester is Britains oldest town apparently and it looked nice to me. Then again I was in a bit of a hurry going to the ground and getting away afterwards. Amazingly the trains all worked in my favour going there and back. In fact according to my phones transport site I couldn't make it from London Liverpool Street to London Bridge inside 25 minutes. Well I did, so up yours internet!
Interesting piece here. It has always been a bit of a puzzle to me how R Kellys sales went up by a huge amount after he was accused of being a Charlie Chester. Did everyone think "oh that R Kellys been in the news. Apparantly he filmed himself having sex with a 15 year old. Hey I think i'll buy his album then!"
The world is a strange place sometimes.

Friday, September 12, 2003

I know I don't normally butt into my blog but this is an emergency. Well, to me anyway. The Odyssey has changed it's name! My beloved student bar in Stoke on Trent is no more! No more will students at Staffs University be able to say;"See you in the Odyssey tonight". From now on they will say;"See you in the Ember Lounge".
Ember Lounge. What's that all about then? I didn't meet the people I would go on to spend 3 years with in the Ember Lounge. I didn't loudly sing "Never gonna give you up" at the karaoke evening on a sunday evening at the Ember Lounge. I didn't DJ at the Ember Lounge.
Sorry about this but a piece of my history has died tonight. It may only be the name of a bar to some people but to me, and all other pre 03 students at Staffs, that place is a vital part of my memory.
To show everyone what this place meant to me and so many others i'm going to dedicate this week to telling stories about the Odyssey.
First up is the story of the first time I ever went into the Odyssey.
Back in late August in 1999 I went to Stoke on Trent. I'd just accepted an offer to read Drama and Theatre Arts on a 3 year BA course there, but I needed to sort out where I was going to live. The University had organised a couple of days where like-minded people could meet up and sort out accomodation.
I turned up on thursday and I didn't meet anyone for the first 3 hours. I wandered up Ashford Street and wandered the full length of Cauldon Road little knowing what a large part of my future they would play.
I was at a bit of a loss. I hadn't met anyone and I needed to meet some people so I could get a place to live. There appeared to be a night at a bar called the Odyssey though, so I decided to head over there when it opened.
I entered the bar and ordered a pint of lager. I had no sooner had the first sup when a rather lanky bloke from Lancashire approached and asked it i'd like to join him and his friend. I accepted straight away. It turned out that the northerner was called Dave and his "friend" was called Rob and seemed to be an alright fella. Of course it would take a couple of months before we found out that he was actually rather depressed and that the first words that Rob had said to Dave were "my best friend killed himself last week".
Anyway the three of us starting drinking seriously, at least I must have done because the following is rather hazy. After a couple of hours a girl named Fran joined our group because she didn't really like the other girls she had met and was going to get a house with. We were then joined by a rather loud girl called Lexia and her boyfriend Micheal. We really should have figured out what Lex was like when she was drunk when she poured the remainder of our drinks into the ashtray on our table in order to make a "cocktail". It would, however, take around 4 months until we realised the full power of a drunk Lexia.
After a couple of hours, well it got to 12am as I recollect, myself, Fran, Dave and Rob set off to find Hanley the then mythical city centre of Stoke on Trent. We walked up College Road and right round Hanley park when we decided that we had gone far enough and the city centre was still nowhere in sight. Of course I didn't realise that we were actually about 5 minutes from Hanley when we gave up until a couple of months later.
Of course after that night we all moved into a house at 10 Sheppered Street in Stoke which was actually a complete shithole. It took 30 minutes to walk to University from the house, it had no double glazing or central heating which in the power of a Stoke winter was some serious things to be lacking. The landlord had fixed the staircase to the wall with some masking tape and the bathroom attracted slugs after a couple of weeks which then spread into the living room.
Rob and Micheal moved out after the first year, in fact before half a year in Robs case, but myself, Fran, Lex and Dave stayed together until 2002. Now i've lost all contact with them so if anyone knows how to get hold of them then please e-mail using the link entitled "let's talk why not".
I'll miss you Odyssey and your £1.30p pints!
And lo, the Lord created the internet and he said "go forth and explore". For he had filled it with wonders and amongst those wonders was this site.
A few questions entered my head after looking at all those old shows.
1)How different would the world have been if Barry Van Dyke had been given the role of Face in the "A-Team" instead of Dirk Benedict? Barry played Face in the pilot episode but didn't get the full role and instead starred in "Diagnosis murder". Maybe if he'd taken the role the lives of millions of students would have been so much poorer.
2)Rocky the Rabbit in "James the Cat" does rather look like he's on a comedown after a heavy night.
3)How ace was "Mysterious Cities of Gold"?
Hurray! The release date for "City of God" is only 2 (and a bit) weeks away! Virgin Megastores claimed it wasn't out until October. Why do they tell such filthy lies? If there is anybody out there who can read my words then read this; Go and buy this film, it's great.
Getting to know you time again! This week's Tom Edwards of the week is Tom Edwards Five Star car dealership. For all the best Dodges and Chryslers in the Florida state area, or something. I don't drive a car. I started learning when I was 17 but ran out of money to do my lessons and my parents didn't want to pay so that was that. Plus I would have had to have driven my Grandads old car, a rather shabby sky blue Vauxhall Nova 4 door version. Quite frankly it was neither flash nor kitsch and I really didn't want to drive a car that was suitable for the more "mature" driver. Of course I bitterly regret it now as I wait at bus stops and train stations and have to suffer the vagaries of South Central trains and Arriva buses.
Anyway back to my namesakes. See in America the car is King. Public transport, as Homer Simpson sees it, is for "losers". Kid's learn to drive at the same age as kid's over here are getting other people to buy cigarretes for them in newsagents, and they seem to drive good cars. I don't know if there is an American version of the Nova. I doubt GM would make a car that didn't need a small Arab country to fill its tank. Looking at my namesakes dealership though, I can't help but wish someone had offered me a Dodge to learn driving in. Maybe if I had then myself and my housemates wouldn't have had to get the bus up to Tescos in Hanley every week when we were at University.
Phrase of the day is "Sitting on an elephant"

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Well look what I read today in the Argus! Seems like the Blaine is losing my respect with every passing day. I'm going up to Colchester this saturday so I might pop round to see him and have a few drinks again. See if it makes sense again.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

And in all the rush back there I totally forgot to wish my good friend Kelvin a happy birthday greeting thing. 24 years of age if my memory serves me correctly. He is currently the only other person I know who has a blog so it would have been very rude if I had forgotten.
Many years ago a group of us, Kelvin included, went on a night out in Brighton to celebrate his birthday. Not knowing that we were going to the Beach club I dressed in a fine suit. Imagine my amusement when I saw that everyone else was wearing t-shirts, combats and trainers. I didn't look out of place at all in a hot, sweaty, nightclub!
When we entered the Font&Firkin we were all asked for i.d. We, of course, were all prepared. Except for the birthday boy who was actually older than everyone in the group. How did we sympathise with his plight?
We all laughed and waved our various forms of identification at him.
Kelvin had the last laugh though. After the night was over and we were returning home I felt in my pocket and found to my slight annoyance that my passport was missing. I never recovered it and I still don't have one to this day. My passport is probably now the property of an illegal migrant worker at Mayhew Chicken. Hope they take more care of it than I did!
Well Dizzee Rascal won the Mercury Music Prize last night. I'm much more of a fan of Terri Walker and Floetry myself but there was more chance of Lt Pigeon winning the award than of that happening. I guess it's better than the Spinal Tap tribute band winning. Don't know if I can make my mind up about Rascal. It's rather bleepy rap music which i'm not a great fan of, much more of an old school rap man myself. Plus i'd feel like a bit of an idiot listening to hard edged tales of drug dealing, beatings and guns. I live in Sussex for God's sake! Maybe if I lived in Hastings.
On another subject altogether, check this out for one of the finest football quotes ever. I doubt i'll ever see a manager describe a game like that again.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

After watching the program about Blaine last night on Channel 4, i've come to the conclusion that he belongs in the list of "things that make sense when you're drunk". You know, those thing's that seem such a good idea when you've had a few. Things like:
Telling people personal information,
Sleeping in an attic whe someone's offered you a bed,
Singing very loudly,
Picking a fight with someone larger than yourself.
After a few "beverages" these all seem great things to do, so it's only natural that after a few pints of Stella the thought of a man trapping himself in a perspex box by Tower Bridge for 44 days seems great. It was all I could do to stop myself emulating the feat in cardboard box hund over the river Uck by the train station. After watching him when sober all I could think was "what a berk".
Seems as though the mystery of what happened to Lord Lucan hasn't been solved after all. It is one of Uckfields claims to fame (actually it may be the only one beside flooding) is that the aforementioned homicidal aristocrat was last seen in my very own town. He stayed the night in the Vicarage opposite the Maidens Head on the High Street. Actually, he may well be living here still. The place never gets noticed so it makes sense to lie low around here.
The Maidens Head is now gone, replaced by a wine bar called "Just So" (the only place to be seen in Uckfield according to the publicity), but it always remains in my memory as a wonderfully awful pub. I remember a group of us once calling in when on a pub crawl. The presence of some people buying alcohol seemed to knock the staff right back. After buying our drinks the barmaid was sent out to the off-licence up the road to get some change as they had no money in the till. Great stuff.
Phrase of the day is; Shake hands with the Wookie

Monday, September 08, 2003

Thank the Lord for weekends, the only time anything of interest happens to me!
First off, football. Brighton got a 2-2 draw against Swindon Town but it was not a good game. Let's just say i'm glad that the South stand is quite high off the ground so I didn't have to stretch my neck straining to watch the ball up in the air. The referee was awful as well but then that's no surprise. Still we are picking up points and we're still in the top 5 so I shouldn't complain too much. Going to have play better at Colchester next weekend though.
Straight after the game I went up to London for my friends Laura, Ailsa and Andy's house warming party. It's been ages since I went to a house party and i'd almost forgotten how much they rock my world. It was like going back to University, the house even looked a bit like student houses in Stoke looked on the inside, bedroom on the ground floor, bathroom adjoining the kitchen and tiny garden. I should, of course, point out that the house was much nicer than a student house. It had polished floorboards instead of a terrible carpet which acted as a spare ashtray. No piles of plates waiting to be cleaned either.
After spurning the offer of a bed I followed through with my drunken desire to sleep in the attic. All was well, I had about 3 hours sleep lying on two sofa cushions, when at half six I was struck with the urgent need to go for a piss. It was at this point that I realised that the ladder that led to the hall could only be operated from below, I couldn't get out of the loft. I remained trapped for a further three hours all the while holding back the waters. If i'd still been half cut I would have attempted to either jump from the hatch down to the hall or climb out the window and try to take a leak in the gutter. Thankfully I was hungover and I realised the utter stupidity of both these ideas. After being rescued by Laura I had to join up with the worst part of any party. The clean up operation. The smell of dregs when being pored down the drain is up there with rotten.com and the Radio 1 playlist on the list of things that make me want to heave.
Over lunch two blokes who i'd met at the party (whose names totally evade me) and myself decided to go and see David Blaine in his perspex box by Tower bridge. Strangely my friend Lena didn't want to join us on on our trip to see a master showman/biggest berk in the known universe in action. Upon arrival at Tower bridge the three of us adjourned to a pub and after several pints of Guiness and Stella in the park opposite we went to see the master showman/big berk himself. Upon our arrival, however, he decided to have a bit of lie-down. Outraged at his lack of performance we decided to engage him in conversation as we figured it must be a bit lonely in that box. After a couple of attempts communication with the Blaine was acheived. The conversation was rather one-sided as we couldn't hear anything he was saying but we were shouting so loudly that he could hear us. After assuring him of our love for him and several toasts with the pints we asked him if he could see the pub from where he was, but he was a bit confused about that. I don't think he's seen that Castlemaine XXXX advert. I told him that I would pop over to the boozer for him and buy him what he wanted, so longer as it wasn't a cocktail or over four quid. We then returned to the park for more drinks and a couple of smokes content in the knowledge that we had just made a drunken nuisance of ourselves live on Channel 4. If you were watching the live feed on E4 at around half three in the afternoon yesterday that was us that he was talking to and waved to! Almost got my five minutes of fame. I think after the mornings attic incident my respect for him had actually increased. We might return in 20 days time when we expect him to be going a bit "funny", after 30 days I don't think he'll be doing much at all. There was shit load of people there though, maybe there isn't that much to do on a Sunday afternoon in London after all.
Word of the day; Impersonate StalinThat's all for now I think, peace and out people.

Friday, September 05, 2003

Let me start todays entry by pointing out that these kind of people don't deserve prison. They deserve 10 minutes with me, in a padded cell, with their f*cking enlargment equipment and a LOT of paper. I really can't go into details. It brings tears to MY eyes let me tell you.
Time for a new feature for the blog. It's called "Getting to know you". Basically I try to find out about someone who shares my name. I thought i'd start the section off with a bang and showcase the most famous person with the name Tom Edwards.
Tom has worked on pirate radio stations, was on Thames TV and hosted his own show on BBC Radio Norfolk. Almost Alan Partridge. I think, however, that his crowning achievement isn't featured on that site. Anybody who's watched British daytime TV will know Tom. He's the voice of Wipeout! That quiz show with Bob Monkhouse! I wasn't too keen on his dislike of women who wear short skirts and white stockings. You shouldn't judge people by their appearance Tom. Quite frankly they sound rather good to me. Still he is getting on a bit I suppose. I tell you something though, if I do half the stuff he's done then i'll have led a rich and fulfilling life.
Well, maybe not the BBC Radio Norfolk bit.
Asteroid alert! Look's like there's no need to go stockpiling down at Tescos this weekend! The all clear has been given!
When will scientists realise that they can't go toying with fragile people like this? I had a dream about a fog that choked me for Gods sake!
Today's word of the day is Kojaks roll-neck.
Something is happening in my town this weekend! Yes it's time to break out the fireworks and booze because it's bonfire night! No it's not the 5th November but it is the first week of September and that's when we do it in Uckfield alright? Look go here for an explanation ok? I won't be here, i'll be in London. Once you've seen one parade celebrating burning cathlolics you've seen them all.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Well maybe my doom and gloom thoughts of yesterday were misplaced. Hopefully those cheery cockney 'ammers won't pilfer our manager
like an addict nicking some china in the belief that this fix will be the last. It also seems my fear of the asteroid crashing into the earth in 2014 may be a little misplaced. It seems that there's as much chance of this hitting us as there is of the remake of the Italian Job being any good.
Something that crossed my mind when reading about the Torino scale. What is the point in having descriptions for anything above 7? This goes for the Richter scale and the one for typhoons. I think a generic term for anything above seven should just be "oh FFF****CCCKKK!!!".

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Getting a bit worried. The rumours surrounding the Albion boss Steve Coppell and the vacant West Ham United job gained some credence today. The Telegraph reported that he is one of the three favourites for the job. If he leaves us then our promotion bid could be screwed! If it was the Star that had printed the rumours then I would have paid it us much attention as I pay the latest David Beckham story. The Telegraph? Well that's a serious paper. This could be the start of something terrible.
Still I don't know if this news was as scary as my dream last night. When you start dreaming about a misty fog that causes you to stop breathing you know it means one of two things.
1) Stop smoking before going to bed, or
2) Stop paying so much attention to stories about asteroids that will crash into earth in 2014.

Finally, students of the world unite! Science is calling you!

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Welcome! Come, join me! This is my mind. For many years (23 years to be precise) it has remained hidden from the world, it's secrets concealed like a gherkin inside a Big Mac. Now, thanks to the wonders of the internet, it can be unleashed and hopefully it will not be discarded like the aforementioned gherkin.
Why start a blog? Well for too long thoughts have been wasted inside my head. They just bounce around there not doing very much at all. If the internet has a purpose, and I think it does, then it's to give a megaphone to those thoughts and say "behold your shackles are shattered! Go forth and tell the people your message". The internet also provides us with gambling in the comfort of our own homes, the ability to watch pornography in the comfort of our own homes, to download music and give a voice to every crazed loon in America, of course, but mainly it's about the megaphone.
I think todays news about a giant meteorite that might hit the earth in 2014 jolted me into action as well. The thought of facing a 10 second countdown to obliteration and thinking "my God, I never told anyone my thoughts on people who chew gum with their mouths open" is a terrible one. I don't want to face a 100 foot wave of foaming ocean water from the Atlantic having failed to reveal my thoughts on the issue of the remake of the "Italian Job". Most importantly, I do NOT want to be riding around a post-apocalyptic scorched wasteland thinking "now no-one will know just how bad Police Academy, Mission to Moscow is".
So here is where my thoughts shall come out and reveal themselves. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes indifferent but always my own. It should be daily but i'm not promising anything. After years of hard experience i've learnt that a man is not always in control of his actions.
Later people!

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